A NEW film featuring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford is called Cowboys & Aliens.

I have no idea about the plot and I am not in a rush to see it.

But the title alone has inspired me to suggest my own screenplay.

Here goes: A spaceship hovers above a dusty western town and a small, green figure beams down, surprising the local horse.

After a quick look up and down the tumbleweedstrewn street, the visitor walks into the bar underneath the swing doors.

The piano stops tinkling, all goes quiet and the little alien, with some difficulty, clambers on to a bar stool.

“You look to be a stranger in these parts,” the bartender says as he slides a slug of liquor along the counter.

“Yup,” the newcomer replies.

There is a long, enigmatic silence before the life form with no name speaks again.

He says: “I have seen countless depictions of this scenario through your primitive electronic media and I expect Sheriff Kincaid to arrive any minute now.

“Just tell me this – why are noons high and what was magnificent about those seven blokes with the impressive theme tune?”

Before anybody can answer, Kincaid appears at the door, draws his guns and suggests that the town is not big enough for the one and a half of them.

So the alien zaps him with his futuristic device and gives the order for everybody in the bar to be beamed aboard his mothership with a view to creating a retro community on the Belmont moors.

Looking around the deserted bar, the ruthless stranger has an idea and contacts his colleagues once more. Half an hour later, several diminutive green men sit around a fire in the desert eating beans in homage to Blazing Saddles.

It is proved once and for all that flatulence is intergalactic.

THE END