Lanky dialect tale

AS Mrs Unsworth closed the door behind her, Dick Unsworth, from the sofa, eyed each of his friends -- Harry Tonge and Billy Andrews in turn.

"Neaw t' missus 'as gone t' pictures," he said,- "an' wei'n getten a quorum, Ah declare t' winter session o' t' Feiurside Club officially open."

Harry, sprawled in an easy chair at one side of the fireplace, stirred his long legs and winked at Billy.

"Owd on a bit," he protested. "Tha'rt gooin' too fast, mon. Who says wei'n getten a quorum?" "Ah say wei'n getten a quorum," Dick retorted. "Rule 16 o' t' Feiurside Club says when t' feaunder an' t' cheermon -- them's me -- says that' wei'n getten a quorum, then wei'n getten one.

"Ah durn't remember us adoptin' a rule to that effect, Dick, mi owd cock sparrer," Billy demurred.

"Tha wain't remember t' rule, Billy," Dick replied, "becose Ah've just adopted it. An Ah met as weel tell thi that Ah'm noan beaun't t' ha' t' proceedin's o' t' Club obstructed bi ifs an' buts. Thur's too much o' that i' t' United Nations."

"Aw reet, Dick," Billy replied, placably, "but durn't wi launch t' winter session wi' a bottle o' summat?"

Harry chuckled. "That's reet, Billy," he said, "an' accordin' to rule 21, t' feaunder an' cheermon pays for it."

Dick looked thoughtful. "Ah've no cognizance of any such rule or reggilation," he said at last, "so t' suggestion is o'erruled. An' neaw wi come to t' question o' th' aim an' object o' t' club, which is to ceawer reaund t' feiur, when t' missus 'as gone to t' pictures, an' try for t' knock some gumption an' eddication into Billy."

"Yer thi!" Harry exclaimed.

Dick reached for his pipe and lit it. "Neaw this praiseworthy object," he went on, "con only bi achieved -- "

"E owt to be on t' B.B.C.," Harry said to Billy in a loud whisper.

" -- Con on'y be achieved," Dick continued, "if wei'n getten sufficient funds i' t' Club. Ah propose wi appeint 'Arry Tungue as t' Treasurer. Aw as is i' favour say 'aye'."

"Aye," said Billy.

"Do Ah do t' job for nowt?" Harry, inquired.

"That's abeaut t' size on it," Dick admitted.

Harry climbed to his feet. "Ah deeply appreciate th' honour," Mestur Cheermon an' member,' he said, "an' Ah mun rely for mi remuneration on what Ah con wangle eaut o' t' funds. But wei'n getten no funds."

Harry and Billy stared at Dick with such suspicious eyes that he reddened.

"Durn't look at me," he grunted. "Wi spent t' funds at th' end o' t' last session when t' three on us went a-playin' dominoes at Darcy Layvur."

Billy grinned. "Ah remember neaw," he declared. "Tha were 'Arry's partner, an' 'e were knockin' at eights an' tha went an' made it eights up."

"The mun stick to t' business afore t' meetin'," Dick said, frowning.

" T' business afore t' meetin'," Harry said, "is that Ah'm t' Treasurer -- an' Ah've nowt to bi t' Treasurer wi'."

"Tha soon will 'ave," Dick assured him. Thi subscriptions is due, so tha wants five bob fro' thisel' an' five bob fro' Billy."

"Hecky thump!" Billy gasped. "Ah'm beaun' t' jein eaut."

"Tha corn't," Dick replied. "Tha'rt a life member."

Tha'rt doin' a hek of a lot o' speautin'," Harry said, "but wheere does thy five bob come in?"

"It doesn't," Dick, informed him. "Accordin' to rule 32, section B, t' feaunder an' t' cheermon is exempt fro' t' payment o' subscriptions."

"Ah've a proposal to put to t' meetin'," Harry said. "Ah propose that wi sack t' feaunder an' t' cheermon. 'Onds up thoose i' favour."

He put up his hand and was followed by Billy. "Two to one agen thi, Dick," Harry said. "Come off that theere sofy."

"Ah'Il ha' to think this o'er," Dick declared.

" 'Appen tha'll think better i' t' Wellington?" Billy suggested.

They rose.

And this is what it means

AS Mrs Unsworth closed the door behind her, Dick Unsworth from the sofa, eyed each of his friends - Harry Tonge and Billy Andrews - in turn.

'Now that my wife has gone to the pictures,' he said, 'and we have a quorum, I declare the winter session of the Fireside Club officially open.'

Harry, sprawled in an easy chair at one side of the fireplace, stirred his long legs and winked at Billy.

'Wait a minute,' he protested, 'you're going too fast, man. Who says we've got a quorum?' 'I say we've got a quorum,' Dick retorted. 'Rule sixteen of the Fireside Club says that when the founder and chairman - that means me - says we have a quroum, then we have one.'

'I don't remember us adopting a rule to that effect, Dick, my old cock sparrow (friend),' Billy demurred.

'You won't remember the rule, Billy,' Dick replied, 'because I've just adopted it. And I might as well tell you that I'm not going to have the proceedings of the club obstructed by ifs and buts. There's too much of that in the United Nations.

'All right, Dick,' Billy replied placably, 'but don't we launch the winter session with a bottle of something?'

Harry chuckled. 'That's right, Billy,' he said, 'and according to rule twenty-one the founder and chairman pays for it.'

Dick looked thoughtful. 'I've no memory of any such rule or regulation,' he said at last, ' so the suggestion is overruled. And now we come to the question of the aim and object of the club, which is to gather round the fire, when my wife has gone to the cinema, and try to knock some gumption and education into Billy.

'Yer thi!,' Harry exclaimed. (I can't find anyone who knows what this means, apart from a suggestion that it could be 'You're a right one', or something similar, so I have printed the original).

Dick reached for his pipe and lit it. 'Now this praiseworthy object,' he went on, 'can only be achieved -'

'He should be on the BBC,' Harry said to Billy in a loud whisper.

'-Can only be achieved,' Dick continued, 'if we are getting sufficient funds in the club. I propose we appoint Harry Tonge as the treasurer. All in favour say "aye".'

'Aye', said Billy.

'Do I do the job for nothing?', Harry inquired.

'That's about the size of it,' Dick admitted.

Harry climbed to his feet. 'I deeply appreciate the honour Mister Chairman and member,' he said, ' and I must rely for my remuneration on what I can wangle out of the funds. But we have no funds'.

Harry and Billy stared at Dick with such suspicious eyes that he reddened.

'Don't look at me,' he grunted. 'We spent the funds at the end of the last session when the three of us went playing dominoes at Darcy Lever.'

Billy grinned. 'I remember now,' he declared. 'You were Harry's partner, and he was knocking at eights, and you went and made it eights up.'

'You must stick to the business before the meeting,' Dick said, frowning.

'The business before the meeting,' Harry said, 'is that I'm the treasurer - and I've nothing to be treasurer with.'

'You soon will have,' Dick assured him. 'The subscriptions are due, so I want five shillings from yourself, and five shillings from Billy.'

'Hecky thump (or 'Oh, dear', or another phrase of your own imagination!),' Billy gasped. 'I'm going to leave.'

'You can't,' Dick replied. 'You're a life member.'

'You're doing a lot of talking,' Harry said, 'but where does your five shillings come in?'

'It doesn't,' Dick informed him. 'According to rule thirty-two, section B, the founder and the chairman is exempt from paying subscriptions.'

'I've a proposal to put to the meeting,' Harry said. 'I propose that we sack the founder and the chairman. Hands up those in favour.'

He put his hand up and was followed by Billy. 'Two to one against you, Dick,' Harry said. 'Come off that sofa.'

'I'll have to think this over,' Dick declared.

'Perhaps you'll think better in the Wellington,' Billy suggested.

They rose.