Good old Panorama

THERE'S no better viewing than a good old "expose" programme and PANORAMA, BBC1, Sunday was just that.

Uncovering the use of child labour by popular companies such as Gap and Nike I realised that, with such low wages for their mini workforce, no wonder these massive and world-renowned labels can afford such sophisticated advertising campaigns.

Just one question though. Why has such an informative, professional and compelling programme like Panorama been "demoted" to 10.15pm on a Sunday evening?

A Royle command performance!

THE ROYLE FAMILY, BBC1, Monday is back for a new series and plays a very important part in the new-look BBC1 campaign. And Caroline and co. were certainly on top form again.

The opening programme of the series introduced a waiting nation to "baby David" who made his debut appearance dressed in a strikingly similar fashion to a certain "posher" baby shall we say. The little lad was a true star, he kept his bandana in place for the full half hour.

Baby David - for that is how he is addressed in the Royle household - provided endless "bottom" material for Jim. "Remember Denise's little bottom Jim?", asked Barbara. "Yep, that's the last we saw of it, she hasn't been off the bloody thing since."

And Denise obviously thinks she's done her bit as Mother Earth by simply giving birth. She's quite simply handed the responsibility of Baby David over to his dad, Dave. When Barbara asked "how's the sleeping going" Denise told her mam that she'd managed to sleep all through the night last night. When Barb explained it was the baby she was asking about, Denise looked dumb and turned to Dave. "How's he sleeping Dave?"

All brilliant stuff. But the best bit had to be Anthony (alias Bolton-born Ralf Little) and his mate, Darren practising their Ali G performances in the Royle's cluttered and non-to-clean kitchen. Pure class.

Shock, horror . . .

HAS house OF HORRORS, GRANADA, Monday made you as suspicious of the British workforce as it has me?

For your sakes I sincerely hope not. I eye everyone who approaches my front door with a caution that can only be described as "obsessive". I've even taken to hiding behind the curtains to watch the window cleaner as he wrings out his chamois leather. I think I'll give next week's programme a miss.

Dobbin do your worse

I WISH Zoe Tate would send Paddy to administer treatment to a pack of wild horses, EMMERDALE, GRANADA, then, hopefully, he will once again be kicked in the noggin by some clever dobbin. This in turn might knock some sense into the dumped, yes, but unspeakably daft, lump.

Okay, so Mandy's gone and left. But surely that's a cue for celebration. Come on Paddy, by all means carry on knocking back those bottles of whisky but, for goodness sake, realise what a lucky escape you've had!

Premature Burial just ruined my sleep

AFTER watching PREMATURE BURIAL, CH5, Tuesday I shall probably never sleep soundly again for fear some doctor will enter my bedroom, pronounce me dead and swiftly send me off to the morgue in readiness for burial.

Far fetched? Not quite. For this is what happened to a number of people who told their horrific stories of being "left for dead".

One woman, who found the whole experience so terrifying she promptly fled for Australia, told us how she could overhear the nurses who were washing her body for burial, talking about their lusty boyfriends. So deep in a coma was she, she couldn't even bat an eyelid.

Mind you, the shock of a person waking up in a morgue can only be matched by the that of the morgue assistant seeing a "dead" body fling themselves off the trolley and, clad only in a white shroud, run out the room a-screaming and a-hollerin'.

House guests on the menu

IT seems all you have to do to become a celebrity these days is to live in a house with a group of other like-minded wannabes.

This is why we were made to suffer Big Brother winner, Craig Phillips and runner up, Anna Nolan on CELEBRITY READY STEADY COOK, BBC1, Wednesday. Not only did I have to endure Ainsley Harriot shoving his massive moon-like face into the dishes but also Craig's shtupid acshent. Thank goodness he wasn't cooking shaushages and shpaghetti.

Sound verdict

IT was a sort of Reservoir Dogs for barristers, and NORTH SQUARE, CH4, Wednesday looks like being a winner.

The team of young barristers are based in Leeds - a nice change from everything revolving around London - and, although there are bound to be comparisons to the hugely successful, This Life, the characters here are a tad more likeable than Anna and her crew.

I always think the first episode of any new series is a difficult one to judge because you really do have to get to know the characters to believe in a drama, but I reckon I'll be sticking with this one.

Not worth a second chance

OUT of the sheer goodness of my heart I gave GIMME GIMME GIMME, BBC2, Monday another chance. I'd slated it last time and decided to have a gander at the repeats - I mean, a programme with the brilliant Cathy Burke can't be all bad. Can it? I'm afraid it can and still is, in my opinion, one of the most unfunny, basic and crude programmes ever to grace my TV screen. What we have here are two excellent actors putting the tin lids on their careers.

What a load of twaddle, Mr Morton

SHOCK, horror revelation! The Queen had a privileged upbringing and as a result of her regimented background she can appear quite distant and aloof.

Now, I bet you're glad that hidden scandal was revealed by none other than Andrew Morton himself in THE QUEEN, GRANADA, Thursday.

What a load of twaddle. Surely Morton would know that anyone worth their salt wouldn't even belch in his direction, never mind reveal all about Her Majesty. Ooh, and another closet secret -- she loves corgis and horses. Now that didn't come from me or else it'd be off with my head.

One To Watch This Weekend . . .

UNTOLD: GEORGE'S JOURNEY, CH4, Saturday, tells the story of one man's desperate attempts to find what's left of his family.

George Perry had a bad childhood, left his mother and fled Shanghai with his aunt and uncle. He left his sister behind in the process and now, 50 years later, returns to find her. It's emotional TV.

. . . And One To Miss . . .

NIGHT FEVER, CH5, Saturday. Because I still get embarrassed watching C-list celebs making fools of themselves. Nice to see this week's guest, Gail Porter is still doing well in her career.

THERE'S no better viewing than a good old "expose" programme and PANORAMA, BBC1, Sunday was just that.

Uncovering the use of child labour by popular companies such as Gap and Nike I realised that, with such low wages for their mini workforce, no wonder these massive and world-renowned labels can afford such sophisticated advertising campaigns.

Just one question though. Why has such an informative, professional and compelling programme like Panorama been "demoted" to 10.15pm on a Sunday evening?