THEY met in a hole in the ground - 92 football mascots with something on their mind.

"We've seen what the PFA have got for the players and now it's our turn," said Guy The Gorilla, beating his chest.

Clearly things were going to get ugly.

"It's time for action," chirped Sid the fluffy, fat-bellied Swan. "We need a union to look after us when the good times come to an end.

"I know we should count ourselves lucky to be doing the best job in the world now. I mean there's not an oversized, fluffy freak out there wouldn't want to step into our massive hairy shoes.

"But we can't go on forever, we're only human. Well we're not actually, we're big, queer looking oddities with permanently fixed smiles but that's beside the point.

"We've got to look after ourselves like the PFA is doing with its players. I mean, what's the difference between us and the players anyway?

"We're the ones the fans come to see. We're entertainers and football would be nothing without us. Can you imagine a Swansea game without me sprinting around uncontrollably on my tights-clad, disproportionately skinny legs which continually give way under the weight of a 12ft body?"

Tommy The Tiger agreed: "Hull City'll fire me off like our Terry when I'm not up to the job anymore. Look at him now, back in the zoo without a pension or private health scheme to his name."

Bury's Bobby the Bobby suggested: "We need a leader. Like Jimmy Hill in the 1950s who started the players' union and broke the maximum wage. Lenny the Lion, you've got a big chin, you'll do. But you've got to be more gobby like Bobby. Watch videos of Gordon Taylor and you'll get the idea."

"What's the basis of our argument then?" asked Sir Winalot, Manchester United's half trophy, half boomerang.

"Same as the players'," said Bobby. "It's a short career, injury could finish us early, hip operations later in life, that sort of thing."

"We are the same as players and we should be treated the same," argued Tommy The Tractor. "Half the kids only come to Ipswich to see me. We might be monsters but we've got rights. We've taken over football; we turn on the Christmas lights, our picture's all over local newspapers, we're on Grandstand doing running races and we've got our own web-sites - not web feet, Sid, web sites.

"It's a full time job and what do we get? Minimum wage and minimum security. We'll threaten to go on strike if we don't get the same as the players. Free training and complete security if, God forbid, we get Bovril thrown over our heads and we've to pack in."

"One day I'll need a gill replacement operation," mouthed Ken the Kipper. "Who's going to pay for that, certainly not Grimsby Town."

"The Professional Mascots Association," bellowed chairman Lion. "Before that we'll retrain you as a lumberjack or anything you want to be."

"I want to be a sports writer," panted Bitter Blue the Baboon. "Not with those paws," answered Lenny. "You won't be able to type. Anyway they're all liars. We'll get City to keep you on as manager."

And that's how the PMA was formed and led to a better life for football's great entertainers. FABIEN Barthez...where do you start?

I hope he's in the PFA because, judging from the look on Alex Ferguson's face at Highbury, he might be needing retraining soon.

Acting could be an option after the news that Tesco want him to promote their new butter fingers product (really, it's true).

Or, there's always panto. I mean, he's used to people screaming 'he's behind you'.

There was a doubt over whether he'd be fit for this week. Apparently a bug was going round Old Trafford but he couldn't catch it.

Enough. Barthez is a great goalkeeper and Ferguson should ignore Joe Public and stick with him. Laurent Blanc is also better than Jaap Stam, their new 4-5-1 formation is a masterstroke and I have to go now because the men in the white coats have come for me We need the hand of justice . THE FA should throw the book at Manchester City's new signing Christian Negoui for punching in a goal more blatantly than Diego Maradona's famous 'Hand of God'. To do that and then run off and celebrate it is bringing the game into disrepute in anybody's book. If the FA could have punished Maradona for cheating England in that World Cup game they would have given him the biggest fine and ban at their disposal and the fact that this is one of the English game's players who has done it should make no difference.