PLEASE allow me to speak to my old pal Brian Derbyshire through your columns.

Well, hello, Brian. I wonder if you remember me? I used to be a regular writer in these columns a few years ago.

However, unlike you, I got fed up of all that writing stuff after a while, and got out a bit more.

Some of your letters are actually very good. I suppose it's just the sheer volume of them and your wide range of knowledge.

But having a sideways swipe at the poor old Queen Mum, just because she doesn't open her own curtains. Bit out of order I thought, Brian. Think about it, you might just have spoilt your chances of a knighthood or something.

If I were you, I'd write another of those fine letters of yours, this time a grovelling one, and let us all know you were only joking. I mean, it's got a nice ring to it has that -- Sir Brian Derbyshire.

Graham Baxter

Bromwich Street, Bolton