TV: Soap Star Immigrations. I could understand why Rita from t'corner shop might want to swap the miserable streets of Weatherfield for the sunnier borough of Melbourne, but why are these Aussie stars so keen to get into the British Soaps?

First air-head Marilyn from Home And Away turns up as the feisty barmaid Louise in Emmerdale. Then Hannah (Bubble) Robinson from Neighbours joins Corrie for a stint as an Aussie backpacker. And now there is talk that Anne Charleston, aka gravel-voiced Madge from Neighbours, will be joining the cast of Crossroads. The show, which will be returning to our screens in the new year, apparently needs some oomph and is going to pitch itself as the Dallas of tea time soaps. Well, at least she's used to sporting a bouffant...

WHO? Talentless People. Can't sing? Can't dance? Fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? In short, are you a charisma-free zone? Well, play your cards right and this could be your fortune. After watching so many supposedly talented types trying to scrabble their way to the top of the pile there had to be a backlash. And here it comes in the form of a competition staged by Channel 4's RI:SE. The show plans to look for a talentless nobody and turn them into a popstar, in a bid to prove that the business is manufactured (no, really?) But which no-good schmuck will be appalling enough to win such a competition? Well, if the YMCA girl enters, I know who my money's on.

Who's Niz?

Vinnie Jones. Aaarrrrrghh! Arrrrgggggghhhhh! Sorry, that was just me anticipating Vinnie Jones' next career move. Brace yourself - it's musical. So, Vinnie, you've been a violent and aggressive footballer and played a violent and aggressive gangster convincingly in numerous films. So what's it going to be? Nu Metal perhaps? Punk? Surely gangster rap would be most fitting? Erm...nope. "I've always had a thing for soul," says the star. Right, you are.

I can't think of anyone more suited to that sensitive, smooth, seductive

genre.