I READ a news headline recently that declared: "Scientists identify funniest joke in the world"

It quite alarmed me. After all, it hardly seems ethical that there should be one exhausted chap, strapped to a hospital bed with electrodes stuck to his head, while an egg-headed boffin looms over him, saying, "now here's a good one. A man walked into the doctors? All just so we can find out what the funniest joke is.

Alright, alright, I might have made up the bit about the electrodes. Actually it was a lot more humane (and boring) than that. The boffins simply posted jokes on the internet and then asked people to rate them according to funniness.

But it still seems a bit wrong. Keen as I am on dissecting comedy, I at least have the decency to feel vaguely guilty about it, knowing deep down that in taking apart the nuts and bolts of gags to see what makes them tick I am somehow spoiling their simple art.

And these jokes were all read off the page, whereas jokes are meant to be told, aren't they?

Personally I wish that this weren't the case, as I find the whole experience excruciating. Call me a wretched old sourpuss but I just can't stand people telling me jokes. As soon as someone starts a sentence with "Did I tell the one about..." my palms go sweaty, my heart fills with dread and I begin to panic about what I'm expected to do at the punchline. In fact, I'm usually so distracted by how I'm going to react (will I guffaw myself into a choking fit or smile stiffly and say 'That's sooooooo funny!') that I don't actually hear either the joke or the punchline and often find myself in faux hysterics at the story of someone's hysterectomy.

Anyway, I'm sure the findings aren't correct. For one thing the world funniest joke, according to Monty Python, is so lethal that no-one could read it and live. In fact, while translating it into German (in order to win the war, since you ask) one chap saw two words and ended up in hospital.

I've read this one several times and I've not so much as a stomach ache. Do you want to risk it? Okay, okay, here goes:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Nope. I didn't think it was worthy of the title either. Next time maybe they should get that guy strapped down with the electrodes, just in case.