OK, I confess. I have NOT had a romantic liaison with Svennis the Menace.

Our eyes failed to meet across a crowded room, we did not exchange mobile phone numbers (I can't remember mine anyway), and Sven did not come to my bijou residence when he was in the area watching Bolton Wanderers.

Nancy and I never glared at each other, or had any other contact. In fact, I can't even spell her surname.

I am stating this now to clear up any confusion among the numbers of other people making spurious claims.

I will be serialising all my non-adventures in future editions of the Bolton Evening News, and would like all cheques for publication made out to the Help Angela Kelly Have A Holiday In Barbados fund.

I will be making no further statements at this time, but reserve the right to add more confessions of a similarly boring and pointless nature when my bank account runs low.