WHAT: HERE'S one way to guarantee a best-seller: call it Celebrity Sex.

Well, heat magazine has done just that with a cute little book that offers "The steamiest quotes".

Not sure it's worth £4.99, although some of the stuff is quite steamy. Others are funny, some are downright weird and plenty of them could not be printed here!

And some of them certainly make you wonder about the private lives of the rich and famous. The best are the funniest, but here's a (relatively clean) selection. See what you think

Sting -- "When I was quoted as saying I had sex for seven hours with tantric yoga, that included dinner and a movie."

Sandra Bullock (about Matthew McConaughey) -- "He should be naked as much as possible until things start falling."

Blink 182 bassist Mark Hoppus -- "I know I'm not gay because I slept with 100 men and I didn't really enjoy it that much."

Madonna -- "Everybody thinks I have an insatiable sexual appetite, but the truth is I'd rather read a book."

R & B singer Sisquo -- "When there's a ballad on the album, I always put another behind it. The average guy only has sex for two songs."

Nicole Kidman -- "I would love to be in someone's fantasy. I think that would be fun."

Mark Wahlberg -- "I got sick of people looking at my crotch and asking 'Hey what comes between you and those Calvins, Underwear Boy?'"

Denise Van Outen (about Jay Kay) -- "My initial intention was to make him spend loads of money on me, have great sex and dump him!"

Hugh Grant (about Portia de Rossi) -- "I'm more attracted to her now that she's a lesbian."

WHO: Peter Kay (again)! After a storming appearance on Parkinson last weekend, when he reduced the interviewer to tears of mirth, Bolton's beloved Peter Kay proved once again that he is the hottest property in comedy after the recent demand for tickets to his new shows.

Kay added another 45 dates to his already hefty tour, but it seems even this wasn't enough to satisfy comedy lovers, with tickets selling out rapidly and online booking becoming an impossibility due to the high level of demand.

Still, if you were willing to play the redial game at 10am on Monday you might just have managed to snag yourself some tickets to see Kay at Bolton's Albert Halls, where he will triumphantly end his tour.

And for a comedian whose humour is entirely based on the places and the people he knows best, these home town gigs are bound to be sheer slices of brilliance. Looks like his mum's going to get that bungalow after all.

FILM: Fans of cult movies will be pleased (or dismayed) to note that 1975 thriller The Stepford Wives is about to be remade, with Nicole Kidman in the lead role.

The original, directed by Bryan Forbes and based on a novel by Ira Levin (who also wrote the equally chilling Rosemary's Baby), is based around a feisty modern woman who moves with her husband to suburbia, where the other women seem to care only about looking after their husbands' needs.

Soon she discovers that the "men's club" that her husband is so keen to join is behind the women's mysterious behaviour and soon she, herself, is at risk. This new version will be directed by Frank Oz whose previous films include Bowfinger and Little Shop Of Horrors and will be set in the present day.

The idea was a winner at the time, launching TV spin offs including The Stepford Husbands, The Stepford Children and Revenge Of The Stepford Wives. But, while the notion of men trading in their wives for subservient docile automatons might have washed in the 1970s, won't this seem more like comedy than horror in these supposedly equality conscious times? You'll have to wait until next year to find out.

WHAT? Haunted Castle. If the advance publicity is to be believed, it sounds like the perfect way to terrify the kids for the half term. This special 3D adventure is showing at Manchester IMAX at The Printworks until November 7. Apparently you will be transported into the scary spirit world with the help of a giant screen as high as an eight-storey building

AND NIZ ... CHRIS MOYLES. Personally I don't find Chris Moyles half as irritating as Radio 2's Johnny Walker, a man whose smarmy voice could cause me to crash my car into the nearest tree out of sheer desperation.

But, personal feelings aside, I feel I have to point out that, in quite liking Moyles, I may be in the minority. Fighting off competition from Sara Cox and Terry Wogan, Moyles has recently been voted most irritating DJ according to a mobile phone survey by Shazam. Apparently listeners are driven to distraction by DJs getting carried away with their own witterings and forgetting to say what songs they are playing and who they are by.

To be fair, Radio 1's daytime playlist isn't exactly known for its eclecticism. If you can't identify the songs played on Chris Moyles show then there is an argument that you shouldn't really be listening to the radio without someone to help turn the knobs.