IF men are from Mars and women are from Venus, how come most of the men I know come from the outer galaxies of far Zog?

Males may struggle to understand what women are really saying, but to this female's, admittedly limited but fairly average, experience men's power of speech is beginning to diminish with the generations.

Never mind getting in touch with their feminine side, most blokes seem to struggle getting across their male side.

"How are you feeling, love?" "OK."

"Been busy today?" "Nope."

"Fancy something special for your tea?"

"Don't mind."

See? Even text messaging could become redundant if the average male continues with single syllable conversation. By the year 2020 we'll be back to grunting.

Of course women can be a bit mystifying at times, but surely it's obvious what we mean, isn't it?

"Do I look all right in this dress?" (Without looking up from the newspaper) "Yes."

What good is "Yes" under these circumstances when you really want reassurance that (a) you look much thinner in the dress this time than last time you looked "all right" and (b) you are still not too repellent to males in general and husbands of several years standing in particular.

Relate counsellor Christine Northam thinks the subject certainly needs translation help.

"Poor communication is a problem for as many as 85 per cent of the couples I've worked with," says this veteran of 2,000 hours talking to couples in crisis.

Another Relate expert, Denise Knowles agrees. She says communicating with the opposite sex is like understanding a foreign language.

"If we're going to a foreign land, and we don't know the language, we make the effort to learn and understand a few words. We can learn from that experience in our own homes."

In fact, men also suffer from being misunderstood. How many will say they are "fine" when they're plainly far from it, and "Nothing's wrong" when they are upset.

"If you're constantly baffled, it undermines your confidence," points out Denise. "It makes you think: 'Why bother'?"

So, the argument is that left-in-the-dark men may give up on trying to understand the complexities of their other halves.

"Men haven't been taught to be particularly emotionally literate," states Christine Northam. "They are getting better at it, but they do need women to encourage them."

When men do decide to converse, they generally say what they mean, sometimes causing offence with their honesty. Women are more complex creatures when it comes to communicating.

"Women are very often not confident enough about what they say," adds Christine. "They get so embroiled in how they're feeling that they stumble with how to express themselves."

Explains Denise: "Men tend to look for solutions while women focus more on the emotional implications. Women also tend to be more wordy than men."

What women really mean

TO help men, here are a few general translations of what women actually mean:

SHE SAYS: "Do you think I've put weight on?"

SHE MEANS: "Do you still find me attractive?"

SHE SAYS: "I'll be ready in a minute."

SHE MEANS: "Don't worry about missing the ending of that TV programme, I'll be another half an hour."

SHE SAYS: "What this old dress? I've had it ages."

SHE MEANS: "I've just bought it in the sales and even the amount it was reduced to was more than I spent on groceries last week."

SHE SAYS: "Oh no, I'll pay for myself."

SHE MEANS: "Or you can pay if you insist, so do insist, won't you."

SHE SAYS: "I've made you your favourite meal."

SHE MEANS: "I bumped the car this morning and it's more than just a quick paint job."

SHE SAYS: "Of course I don't mind you going out with your friends."

SHE MEANS: "Look at another woman while you're out and you'll be taking your meals through a straw."

SHE SAYS: "I don't want any fuss on my birthday next week."

SHE MEANS: "If I don't get flowers, chocs and a big present, your life will be hell."